8. Endo vs. Vacay

I haven’t been posting a lot lately. It was the end of the semester and suddenly I had to do so much stuff, so there wasn’t really time left. There is one thing that I did make time for. I booked a vacation to Bali, Indonesia! Actually, I’m already there and currently writing this piece in a cute coffee shop / cafe where my boyfriend and I grabbed lunch while on our way to the beach. Just saying…

I really can’t stand myself the few weeks prior to a vacay, I feel like becoming a monster

Anyway, I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings related to my vacation because they were all over the place. From bikini body stress to endo stress and, not to forget; the well known what-the-f*ck-do-I-want-to-wear-stress. I really can’t stand myself the few weeks prior to a vacay, I feel like becoming a monster.

When my boyfriend and I finally booked, I was unbelievably happy. The last few years I could only dream about going to Bali one day. I felt like travelling outside of Europe would be pretty difficult with the long distance flights and visas. Apparently I thought too much, because booking the flight and a hotel was enough.

Should I say nothing and keep everything to myself?

Then the stress started to show. My endo got much worse over the past 5 months which gave me more stress and resulted in even more pain. It’s like a snowball effect. I started to think about what would happen if I would experience much pain while on vacation. Thinking that I would be ruining not only my own but also my boyfriend’s holiday. Should I say nothing and keep everything to myself? That question hunted me. Luckily, my boyfriend is so supportive and knows me so well. He is a communicator, so he drags all the thoughts out of my head and makes me talk about it. Which is so helpful since I’m not much of a talker when it comes to my endo.

When we discussed my thoughts and fears, because that’s what they are in the end, he said that this vacay is probably exactly what I need. That I will come to my senses and relax, because well… We’ll be in Bali, so no reason at all to stress out. He turned my negative thoughts into positive ones and I got excited again. The semester being over and ended would probably also make me less stressed out. I was ready again. Let’s hop on this plane!

This makes me so insecure about my body

Oops… Not so fast. I need to pack. Which bikinis am I going to wear? F*ck… I need to wear bikinis. Because of the endometriosis my hormones are one big mess and that influences the weight. Not only the hormones, but the medication have also an influence on that part. I’m not blaming all of my (little) overweight to the endometriosis because I’m also guilty myself, but this big hormonal mess makes it a bit harder to lose weight and also swings between certain weights all the time. This makes me so insecure about my body. In addition, all these f*cking Instagram models that confront me everytime I open the app don’t make it any easier. Why do we girls have to be thin, muscular and unbelievably fit? That’s not even realistic! Whatever, there’s not enough time to get in shape before I go on vacation and I’m definitely not starving myself. Food. Is. Life.

Ok, the third stress causer was the question: what to wear? We women always pack to much and also things we never wear because it might look cute when on holiday(?). Doesn’t make any sense, but that’s just how we roll I guess. My mom told me not to pack too much because I’ll buy cute things over there for sure. Good tip. I kept it in mind all the time and was very picky with what I would pack or not. It took me 1 day to pack everything, but I thought about it 1 whole week. The day I packed I was going crazy and doubting all day long. The cutest guy that my boyfriend is, he helped me and said yes or no to anything that I showed him. Perfect!

Breath in, breath out

The night before we left I couldn’t sleep at all, which resulted again in pain… I’m living a pretty normal life and writing all of this down makes me realise how stressful life is and most of the time because of dumb sh*t. Anyway, all this stress causes so much pain. I just need to relax a bit and get things out of my mind. Breath in, breath out.

So, I am in Bali right now. Already for 6 days and I am enjoying life to the fullest. This island is just paradise and we don’t want to go back home. I am relaxed and don’t think about things too much which helps me controlling the pain. This island and its people are the biggest help right now. So much beauty in one place! Although I’m in control of the pain, it still pops up every now and then. Not much, but a few minutes every two days. It’s just because the endo is still there, no other reason. This vacay treats me well so far and I’m going to enjoy it to the fullest the coming 2,5 weeks.

Oh, and stay tuned, because I have a few so exciting projects coming up. Can’t tell too much about it yet, but will do soon!

Love, Andrea