7. The real struggle

The pain. It’s hard to describe the exact feeling of it, but I will try to describe the feelings that come with it.

It feels like a f*cking vicious circle

Right now I really need to finish up some school work, lots of deadlines… But I just can’t. My concentration only lasts up to 4 till 5 minutes and then I’m completely distracted again. It’s pretty tough working on projects while in constant pain. I lose words and sentences and can’t think straight anymore. It is so frustrating! Knowing that I have all these deadlines makes me stressed out even more and causes extra pain. It feels like a f*cking vicious circle.

Ever since I started my semester in Leeds my pain got worse. Although I’m definitely sure it’s just a coincidence and has nothing to do with the place or the people here. The people I’ve met are lovely, but I do feel alone. I feel alone because I don’t really can and want to talk about my pain with others, especially people that I’ve just met. I also feel like I’m messing up my semester by not getting everything out that’s inside of me. The result? I cry a lot. Not sure if it’s because I can’t stand the pain or because I hate the fact that I know I’m lacking because of it but can’t really do anything about it. Maybe both?

I have no one to rely on here, to share my feelings or just to cuddle with

Anyway, these coming weeks are my final weeks here at Leeds Beckett University and they’re the hardest weeks for me. I just got back from my 2 weeks of Easter break in The Netherlands, so I know I’m not in the position to complain, but coming back here, being by myself and having this pain makes me sad. I have no one to rely on here, to share my feelings or just to cuddle with. This sounds very dramatic because my boyfriend, family and friends are always there for me through the phone, but it’s different.

Every end of the month my body is menstruating, but I don’t bleed because I have a coil. It helps a lot, but I still feel much pain during this time of the month. Right now the pain works all the way through my left leg; my upper thigh, my butt cheek and even my calf. My medication doesn’t work that much and if I take a higher dosis, well let’s just say that the dosis will not be the only thing that’s high… I get super weird and confused because of it, so I don’t like taking it. Sleeping is the best medication for me, but I can’t sleep all day and especially not when I have deadlines coming up. Going a little crazy over here, but will be fine soon. Well, I think I might give my school work another try…

Love, Andrea