17. My current mental state
Endometriosis is a f*cking bitch. I hate her. She hurts like hell and she makes me crazy. She makes me feel like I don’t have any control of my own body. She makes me feel like I can’t trust my body. I feel like I am trapped, trapped in a body that’s not even mine. I want everything and I just can’t do it. I hate that so bad, it’s making me insane.
Doctors telling me that the pain is in my head, that I don’t really have pain, is so unfair. I know my nervous system is overreacted. I know that my nervous system is therefore very sensitive and that I get signals of pain when I don’t have that much pain. But that doesn’t mean that I make this pain up, the pain that I’m feeling is real, I am not crazy!
I just have to admit the fact that I am not able to do anything right now
My mood has been a bit depressed lately. I am in bed most of the time crying my eyes out. I cannot sleep at night. I worry too much, which is actually weird because I am not consciously worrying, but I probably am because I can’t sleep. I feel like I have to be strong all the time, so I want to work. I want to do things, but I just have to admit the fact that I am not able to do anything right now. I have to give my body the rest. I really f*cking need to listen to it, finally, because it’s giving me the signs all along I just don’t listen that well.
When I was diagnosed with endometriosis, I went to do therapy in the hospital with a psychologist that was specialised in people who are chronically ill. I think it really helped, but now I feel like I am back at square one. It’s unfair. I feel alone because none of my close friends really understands what I am going through and honestly I don’t like telling them because I don’t want to come off weak or make everything about myself. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I am not some sad person.
Ok, so that was the complaining part about me feeling depressed. I called in sick at work and this week I am (finally) staying home all week. I have been relaxing, sleeping, doing nothing, writing, taking mindful walks in the forest and even cooking new dishes. Whatever calms my mind a bit. So here’s a picture of me with a fake *ss smile and a face full of hormonal acne on one of my mental health walks. 🙂
On the other hand I know this depressed feeling is temporary. This mental state is temporary. I feel like hitting rock bottom, but you know what? The only way is up from there. I decided to focus on healing on a deeper level, but I will tell all about it in the next blog. Otherwise you’ll be flooded with info.
Love,
Andrea