6. The She Devil

Ok, so the thing is; I felt horrible. All. The. Time. I was so mad at the world and if anybody said something wrong… Oh boy, all hell would break loose. The most frustrating part was that I knew I was being such a horrible person to everyone I love, but I just couldn’t help myself. Which resulted in even more anger towards myself.

She referred me to a “pain psychologist”

I was one big collection of all sorts of anger and I hated it. I wanted to change my attitude and my behavior, but that was easier said than done. I told my doctor from the pain clinic that I was having trouble with myself and my behavior. She referred me to a “pain psychologist”, someone who is specialised in treatment for people with chronic diseases.

The pain psychologist was a very peaceful looking woman. She listened carefully to every single word I said. At first it felt a little weird, I had to tell about myself, my life, the impact of my illness and my situation at home. I talked, she listened and sometimes asked questions. At the end of our first few sessions she gave me some relaxation and breathing exercises. To be honest, that wasn’t really my thing. I tried it, multiple times, but I didn’t feel comfortable doing those exercises.

She respected that and we focussed more on the factors in my life that can cause stress. Stress is one of the most common reasons for my pain. When I’m stressed out about something or even worried unconsciously, I notice that my pain will start to get worse. By talking about those factors I created some sort of structure in my head and learnt how to react in and cope with certain situations. These sessions fitted my needs perfectly.

I got back control

After 10 sessions I felt like I didn’t need any more sessions. It felt like I accepted my situation, my illness and I felt a lot less horrible. Finally I was getting back to my old self and I was able to handle my behavior again. I got back control.

I have seen a psychologist when I was 15 years old, so when I started the sessions with the pain psychologist I knew I would feel better in the end. Actually, to be completely honest… I thought I accepted it, but that’s absolutely not true. I’m not even close to accepting, but I don’t think I will be able to ever fully accept the fact that I’m sick. I need to find a way for myself where I don’t get reminded to it all the time, so I can slowly learn to live with it and also get to know my body better. I have still a long way to go, but I know I will get there in the end.