5. “You just have to accept it…”

I felt so relieved. The surgery went well and the pain was gone. Of course, I did feel a little pain because of the surgery itself, but no more lower tummy pains. I was pain free after one year of constant pain, 24/7. It felt so good, but only lasted for a few weeks…

The pain had started to come back again and I didn’t know how it was possible. They took every part of the endometriosis out, so why can I still feel the pain? That’s the question I asked my gynaecologist. His answer was the most harsh thing someone ever said to me. He started with: “Although the endometriosis might be gone, the pain will still linger…” He was quiet for a few seconds. There it was…

I am very sorry to tell you this, but you are chronically ill.

I played it cool and said that I knew this already. He also said that I needed to find a way to live with it and accept it somehow, but that it will take time. When I came home I cried and cried… And cried and cried. I did know that I was chronically ill, but I didn’t know that meant that I had to be in pain for the rest of my life.

I had to accept it. Ok, sounds kind of easy, but how am I supposed to do that? Do I need to keep telling myself that I accept it? What does it actually mean? Well, I really didn’t know so I got stuck. Again.

I felt so desperate and the anger started to get worse and worse. I was having an attitude towards my parents, my brothers and also my friends. I knew it and I still kept on going. Couldn’t stop actually. Most of the times after having a fit, I would go back to my mom and start crying. Tell her that I was so sorry for my behavior and that I don’t know why I am doing it, but that I can’t help it somehow. She is my rock. She told me that it’s ok to be angry and that she understands why I am doing it. Sometimes she even cried with me, which made me feel understood and not alone.

While I’m writing this, all those feelings start to come back again. I remember how awful I felt and how my mom supported me always. Actually, I am crying right now. It just makes me so emotional. Everything was such a rollercoaster at that time and I couldn’t be more grateful to have a family like the one I have.