11. Endo & Sex

There it was again, that powerless feeling which I got right after the appointment. No control of my own body. No control of the pain and no control of my sexual life. That last one is a topic that really frustrates me. It is very very very personal, but I know for sure that I am not the only endo girl struggling with this. Since this blog is about honesty and breaking the taboo on several topics, why not add sex to the topic list?

I can’t have sex whenever I want

Sometimes I have a bad day and we’ll manage. But sometimes this bad day turns into a bad week and that’s the part where it gets a little difficult. Having sex is a huge part of my relationship and I think that’s not only in mine but in every relationship. In my opinion, and also my relationship, having sex is a way of showing affection and love to one another. Loving someone so much that you want them to be as near and as close as possible. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that it’s wrong if you don’t have a relationship but do have sex, but I am in one and that’s why I see it this way.

Let’s face it: I am a 24 year old woman and I can’t have sex with my boyfriend whenever I want. That is frustrating and I really hate it! Believe me. I do want to have sex, but I just can’t. Every single bone in my body says “don’t touch me” when I am in pain before having sex. When that happens, I can’t have sex of course. Which I also don’t want at that time, but it’s hard to face the fact that I can’t when I am still a young woman. Although I actually think it’s hard for women every age. The struggle stays the same, no matter the age. 

The endo inflamed parts get swollen when it starts to hurt, which creates these weird bumps within my body. You can even feel them. Anyway, these bumps on the inside are not the only things that play a part. My leg starts hurting and feeling numb when I’m in pain, which causes that I can’t lift my leg or be in certain positions. Even sitting hurts. Just having my upper leg in a 90° angle with my core hurts like crazy. I can’t think straight and sometimes feel like throwing up, let alone think about having sex. If I could, I would, but I just can’t.

It makes me insecure when we can’t have sex

Not being able to give my boyfriend what he needs or desires makes me sad and most of all insecure. Insecure about myself, insecure about my body and also about my relationship. Even if my relationship is perfectly fine, we trust each other blindly and love one another deeply. I still feel like I am cutting him short or something. Like I can’t give him what he really needs. 

Insecurity is not the only feeling that shows when thinking about the fact that I can’t have sex sometimes. It physically hurts me of course too. I should be enjoying sex and not be “scared” when I’m about to have it. The pain comes with it 50% of the time and it has caused that I can’t relax completely. It’s like I am mentally preparing myself for the pain that’s coming while I should be enjoying. I can’t seem to focus on the right things and keep stressing myself out. Which I know is a bad thing to do, because everything in my body will work against myself and make it even harder… I really wish I could tell you how to unstress when you’re about to have sex, but I can’t. What I do? Well, I keep breathing and try to focus on my breathing. Stare into my boyfriend’s eyes or close my eyes. Either way I’m trying to stay in the mood. Which is so hard sometimes…

First I felt butterflies, now I feel knives sometimes

You know what also happens sometimes? When I get in the mood and start feeling excited, my uterus just says NO and I get this feeling like someone’s stabbing me with a knife in my vagina… Literally like a higher power forbids me to have sex and punishes me for even getting excited. 

I didn’t have this at first actually. I’ve been sexual active for quite a while now, but it wasn’t always like this. I remember just feeling butterflies throughout my whole body and which now feels like knives sometimes. At first I thought it was kind of normal. That sounds ridiculous but I thought it was because I got over excited or something. That the butterflies were so heavy that they turned into harsh stings. When I got diagnosed with endometriosis I realised that I was so super naive and that it absolutely wasn’t normal. Anyhow, some pieces just fell into place. Even though I hate it.

It’s ok to say no

We should listen to our body at all times. Honestly, I sometimes forget that and notice that I want to please others, like my boyfriend, but also in other situations. From my experience, when I’ve truly listened to what my body is saying, screaming for attention or screaming because of the pain, it helps with relieving the pain. Relax, breath it through or give the attention it needs. Sometimes all your body needs is rest. You can’t imagine the battle your body is fighting every single day. That is exhausting. Give yourself the rest it needs and never forget that it’s ok to say no.

Love, Andrea