12. Weight & endo belly talk

The last few months have been pretty hectic for me. As you may know, I was in Phoenix (Arizona) to conduct independent research and write my master thesis. Which means that I have been busy with finishing up my work and submit it. It was soooo stressful, but I graduated with an 8!

I felt calm. Like I had found myself again.

While I was in Arizona I learned one thing for sure. Stress makes a huge difference with endometriosis. Being in Phoenix made me feel calm and relaxed (not in the end though), which resulted in less pain. I was able to step away from my daily life and also my daily issues in The Netherlands and focused on myself for 3 months. It was complete self care actually. The first weeks were a bit difficult, because I had to adjust to not only a completely different culture but also a drastic change of climate. After I got used to everything around me, I felt calm. Like I had found myself again. 

I actually experienced the heavy cramps and pains for only 3 to 4 times and didn’t took a lot of medication either. The one thing that I did experienced multiple times was an endo belly. I hate it and it was horrible. It looked like I was a few months pregnant. Usually I have an endo belly during flare ups, but also when I eat differently or not so healthy. I really try to make a diet work, but it is just not my thing. I eat pretty healthy and clean, but sometimes I have cravings too.. In the end we’re all just humans. 

I look 3 months pregnant and I can’t button my pants…

Anyway, those endo bellies are a huge part of endometriosis. Almost every woman with endo experiences this. An endo belly is when everything in the lower abdomen bloats. It causes physical pain, but in my personal case the emotional pain is equally painful. I know I am not the only one… An endo belly comes and goes, it can stay for just a few hours or up till days or even weeks. Luckily, my endo bellies are always gone after a day or sometimes a few hours. Knowing that comforts me when I have trouble coping. Like I said, there comes an emotional pain with it too. I look 3 months pregnant and I can’t button my pants… That hurts. The doctors told me I have to eat healthy, exercise regularly and maintain a healthy body weight to reduce or prevent symptoms. Therefore, looking at yourself in the mirror with a huge bloated belly can be hard and so frustrating. It makes me insecure.

As I try to eat as healthy as possible, it isn’t always easy for me honestly. I noticed that I need structure in my life if I want to maintain a healthy lifestyle. When I was in the US, like I said, I was focusing on myself and I also created structure. I woke up at 8:30 everyday and didn’t even need to set an alarm because my biological clock worked perfectly fine and woke me every morning. I ate oatmeal with coconut milk or almond milk, fresh fruits like berries (full of antioxidants), quinoa, smoked salmon, avocado, rice and also burgers and pasta. I feel like my body needs to be balanced. Of course I get flare ups after eating greasy food like burgers or creamy pastas, but l don’t want the endo to take over all of my life. It sometimes already does, so I just take everything in account and try to eat as healthy as possible.

When I look in the mirror, I don’t love my body.

Sometimes I’m extremely insecure. Not only because of the endo belly I experience quite often. I know that is temporarily, but my weight bothers me a lot. Over the past years I gained some weight and it seems so hard to lose it again. I feel like I am in constant battle with my body to fix my weight. My doctors told me it’s nothing crazy that I gained a couple and that it’s because of my hormones are all over the place. They also told me to exercise regularly and be as healthy as I can and so I try my best but I don’t feel like it’s working as much as I want it to. Maybe I am not giving my body the time it really needs to adjust… I can be a bit impatient sometimes From now on I will promise to give myself the time I need to feel better and not to forget; look better. Let’s be honest, it messes with your self image and self esteem. When I look in the mirror, I don’t love my body. I am still not at peace with the changes it went through and that’s really hard. Anyway, I will reach that goal step by step, but it is going to be a loooong *ss road haha. 

Another thing I’ve noticed is that I really need structure in my life. As mentioned before, my body got used to the structure in the US and ever since I came back it has been difficult to recreate that structure. I didn’t have a steady job yet or something else that would keep me busy on a daily basis. Having structure in your life can stabilise your body and condition it a bit. It knows when what is happening. Therefore, my next step is to regain that content and calm feeling by structuring my life.

My new year’s resolution is to say goodbye to the stress and negativity that causes me pain and add as much structure in my life as possible. 2020 will be my year. I have to make it happen and create happiness for myself, because mindset is key!

Love, Andrea

PS. Did you know that March is Endometriosis Awareness Month? Therefore I will post some extra stories!