3. I lost myself

This website functions as my personal portfolio, but in some extent also as my diary. It is already 1,5 year ago since my diagnosis and I am still having trouble talking about it. Writing seems much easier, especially because I can hide behind my laptop…

My personality is very outgoing, spontaneous, positive and extravert. I am a Leo, so that explains a lot. Somehow I am still having issues when my boyfriend (or any other person) wants to talk with me about my illness. Why? I am not sure.

I do have my ideas why I act the way I act when it comes to endometriosis. After the diagnosis I was going through a rough time. I didn’t know what to feel exactly, I felt 100 things all at once but most of all I felt misunderstood, angry, sad and also alone. I asked myself and my mum the same question, over and over again…

Why me? What did I do to deserve this?

It felt so unfair. Just 21 years old and I always felt sick. It was almost unbearable, even with medication. The pain spreads out from my uterus to my left thigh, which creates some kind of numbness. Something like the feeling of toothache, but worse. Sometimes I couldn’t walk anymore too…

I hated my life. I hated endometriosis. Everything fell apart and most of all; I fell apart. To be honest, I literally lost my lust for life, my passion, my ambition. I felt alone because everytime I planned to do something with anybody, I had to cancel last minute because pain happened. Oh, and also the boyfriend I had at that time was no longer the support that I needed… The relationship got bad very quickly. I was insecure, I wasn’t able to have sex and I was in constant pain.

My body was in constant fight mode which made me so tired all the time

I lost myself. There was absolutely nothing left from the confident and spontaneous Leo that I used to be. For me it was the most frustrating thing ever. I knew I was acting up and being a b*tch to everyone I loved, but I just couldn’t help myself. Anger was raging inside of me…